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This is my second whinging post this week on this board. Probably really the only two I remember ever making. I don't have anyone else to talk to right now. Hoping to see if anyone else can relate.



I just told a guy I distrust him. We only just met and he seemed very nice at first, but being a small girl, I have a deep inner distrust of men. I can't commit to a relationship for these reasons:

- Taking my freedom, and my eccentricity away
- Not letting me have freedom of anything, that includes him taking my closest male friend, Andy, away from me, from jealousy
- Him not trusting me, growing abusive and hitting me
- Him getting jealous, and therefor abusive
- Him ringing me 24/7 and hanging over me all the time. I'm an introvert.

The list goes on but they are some reasons. I guess I haven't found a guy I want to be with 24/7. Anybody else had this?

Basically, this fellow grew jealous when I took a break from work to hang out with him for the first time. We work in the same shopping center (one of my many jobs). A friend of mine who (I guess we are slightly flirtacious) works at a CD store smiled at me twice and I smiled back, and this guy I was with grew extremely jealous and told me he hated people like that. I despise people treating me like that. Jealousy means danger, means anger.

I'm a very gentle spirit and anger makes me very upset. I did have some anger problems and sometimes still get angry, but I guess it's usually during hormonal times. By nature, I can't stand aggressiveness.

I'm not sure what I should do. Just wanted to know if anybody here had been in a similar situation? I've been in a few. I never had many boyfriends in highschool, only one, because of my individuality and I was a nerd I suppose. And I've had three potentials since, one an actual boyfriend, the other two not. I think I still like Michael a lot but refuse to commit. I have no idea what to do about that.

Life is confusing Like these emoticons next to each other!

HMMMM....

I guess all I can offer is that, the chances of you ever finding a guy that you want to be around 24/7, are incredibly slim. Personally, If I had to be with my partner 24/7 (and I know she would feel the same way about this), we wouldn't be together now. Going back about 15 years when I was about 20, I had SERIOUS isssues with regards to jealousy and possessiveness., through my own fault I have destroyed 3 perfectly good relationships. I have since learned (via a few bouts of depression and anxiety) to deal with these problemss and am now, if anything the complete opposite, although my wife would tell you that sometimes I come across as not caring at all(not true). But one thing I DO believe in is that you both need your space in a relationship, otherwise it can suffocate. Like the song says 'If you love somebody, set them free'.

Never a truer word spoken.

It is however a fine line and you have to balance your time with shared time. If you are used to having all your time to yourself you are going to feel it when you have to sacrifice some of that time. You also have to learn to consider your partners feelings before you say or do things.

My wife can have a seriously vicious tongue, and she says stuff to me that I would never in a million years say to her. If I did, I know she would walk, but I soak stuff like that up. She wouldn't be able to. Everyones different. This guy may have got jealous from you taking time out to have a break with someone else (a fella?) and I gotta be honest, to a point, I can understand him. Although he maybe a little premature if you haven't been with him long.

At the end of the day. You have hang ups with him being possessive or jealous. If you like this bloke, you need to talk about how you feel. He's not a mind reader. He sounds like he's insecure, (that was my problem) so he's gonna need reassurring. You both gotta be Totally and Completely open with each other. You've gotta sacrirfice a little of that indepedence and commit, he's gotta realise that if he doesn't lighten up, every relationship he ever has will be unhappy and strained.

These are just my thoughts. Take a little from them or toss them aside, the choice is yours. But if I have helped in just any tiny way, I have succeeded in my aim. take care

Kirk Hammett, as a guy i can honestly tell you that not all guys are not possessive, aggressive, abusive, moochers, paranoid, and jealous. You might already know that.

What i suggest you should do is that you should be direct with him. Guys don't pay real close attention to each other's behavior, body language, emotions. We might pick up something here and there, but usually we don't get whole picture. To make that up, when some thing or some one is bothering us we are more vocal and be direct and confront the problem head on.

So you need to up right tell him that if he can't trust you then you two have to reason to be together. Because if he knows that he would loose you, and he does really like you. then he might just suck it up and learn to trust you.

also like lupine said he might have issues with his personal view of him self. He probably feels so insecure that he feels that he might loose any woman to an other man that he thinks that is more virile and higher in the male hierarchy, and how to take care of this is some light ego stroking to boost his self confidence. Like comment how good he looks, how sexy you think he is, how strong he is, how good he is with a wrench, or what ever.

Because us guys have very, very fragile egos. It's like glass, even the smallest pebel can crack and even break it. the littlest comment against our man hood the whole thing can crash down, for a little while of course then it builds back up in time but not as it used to because doubt in them selves took root. I take it that women have the same insucurities about their looks. Males are insucure about their abilities and performence as a person and most importantly as a man. when a man is has low self estiem it could lead over possesiveness, and jelously or attemps to compensate for his lack masculinity this is often called the mid life crisis. They try to restor their self worth as a man by getting a nice car, affairs with young women, or some other over compensating stunt.

or he could just be a jerk and needs to be kicked out on his a**!

i hoped i help some.

I'm ashamed to say i used to be like that guy

I used to be really insecure and jealous... but i like to think i'm different now

This guy obviously has some problems with confidence

Best advice i can give is to tell it to him straight

Laters

Hey thanks for all the advice...I didn't expect guys to want to reply!

This guy may have got jealous from you taking time out to have a break with someone else (a fella?) and I gotta be honest, to a point, I can understand him. Although he maybe a little premature if you haven't been with him long.

This was the first time we'd ever hung out. I met him two days before hand. There were no relationship promises. I think maybe he thought I was leading him on. I wasn't, and I hate that I have to be NOT myself around men just to stop them thinking I'm inviting them.

also like lupine said he might have issues with his personal view of him self. He probably feels so insecure that he feels that he might loose any woman to an other man that he thinks that is more virile and higher in the male hierarchy, and how to take care of this is some light ego stroking to boost his self confidence. Like comment how good he looks, how sexy you think he is, how strong he is, how good he is with a wrench, or what ever.

That is him. Unfortunately, I'm not cut out to help him compete against everyone else. I get tired easily, I get emotionally drained easily, and dealing with my own parents is extremely draining on me. My father is always draining my mother, always has to get what he wants, too clingy, then gets grumpy all the time.

I'm ashamed to say i used to be like that guy

I used to be really insecure and jealous... but i like to think i'm different now

This guy obviously has some problems with confidence

I'm glad you've changed

I do know girls like this too, though. It's not just men. My friend's ex girlfriend was definately lacking confidence. She used to whine to me all the time, and put me in the middle. I hate arguments, so I tried to sooth them both best as possible without judging either side. She broke up with him in the end and still the rubbish continued. She's a despicable person and drains everybody around her.

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On a really angry note, I just had a Christmas party, but I stopped the music at 11pm. It's nearly 1am and next door blared music out loud (hopefully it's finished) so loud it sounded like I was playing it on my stereo. I can't go over there and complain, I'll be ignored. I don't want to cause trouble by calling the police.



I think all these issues are caused by lack of sleep! Anyway thanks for all the great help! I'll keep all this in mind, I knew quite a bit of this already (Dealt with a lot of guys, not all in relationships, but other people's guys and some of my closer guy friends) but it's refreshing to hear guys admitting it and some things there I didn't know.

Well the key to attractwho arent abusive or overly jealous) is to absolutly love yourself and be confident and know what you want and deserve. Abusive men tend to be attracted to women with a certain state of mind. Like a woman with a personality that is easily dominated. As long as a woman is strong and respects herrself, it seems she will get great men. Losers and abusers are attracted to low self confidence...the thrive in it.

And hey, a little jealousy is not that bad. Its not always a sign of being possesive. Sometimes its just a sign that they like you a lot and are insecure and dont think they're good enough. But too much jealousy is bad. And theres nothign wrong with not dating. I decided to wait until I was older and several months later, my beautiful mate came along.

That is him. Unfortunately, I'm not cut out to help him compete against everyone else. I get tired easily, I get emotionally drained easily, and dealing with my own parents is extremely draining on me. My father is always draining my mother, always has to get what he wants, too clingy, then gets grumpy all the time.

I'm not asking you to move a mountain. Simple complements would suffice, I'm not saying help him get out on top of the male hierarchy, but boost his confidence.

If you say some encouraging things to him about his masculinity, you'll see an improvement in his demeanor and he might be a little more comfortable about you talking to other guys.

men are just as self conscious as women but with different things.

EEEH! you'd only just met him and he was like that with you!?
I think your best out of it. Like moonkit said above, a little of the green eyed monster is in all of us. But we need to understand how to control it.

As for abusive men being attracted to weak women, I'm not sure a guy can know how strong a person is without knowing them well. In fact the stage of my life when I was sufferring with the jealousy and possessiveness that I referred to earlier, the three relationships I managed to ruin were with what I would call strong women. One of them in particular, was unbelievably independent and strong willed, and, I might add, I still have the utmost respect for her today.
In fact, in my case, I would say that the independence and srong personality of the ex partner was probably one of the major contributors to my insecurities. I needed to feel needed. I didn't feel that the relationship was even. If your that way inclined and you feel that things are a bit one sided (I'm talking emotionally, and affection, that kind of stuff) then yeah, the green eyes start glowing and the smallest things start snowballing.

I am not an abusive man. I have never and never would raise my hand to a woman. I find men that do, objectionable and offensive. They are, what I class as sub human gutter dwellers.
I was, though, capable of hurting a woman in other ways, mentally. Purely through me being unable to control my emotions. I detest what I was. I also feel I paid the price for my sins.

I am now blissfully happily married to a beautiful, independent woman whom I feel loves me as much as I love her. We very rarely argue and I can honestly say that because I learned the hard way, (before we met I might add) I am in a relationship that will last the course. I am no longer a jealous man, and I can only put it down to experience.

Well the key to attractwho arent abusive or overly jealous) is to absolutly love yourself and be confident and know what you want and deserve. Abusive men tend to be attracted to women with a certain state of mind. Like a woman with a personality that is easily dominated. As long as a woman is strong and respects herrself, it seems she will get great men. Losers and abusers are attracted to low self confidence...the thrive in it.

And hey, a little jealousy is not that bad. Its not always a sign of being possesive. Sometimes its just a sign that they like you a lot and are insecure and dont think they're good enough. But too much jealousy is bad. And theres nothign wrong with not dating. I decided to wait until I was older and several months later, my beautiful mate came along.

His jealousy was definately aggressive and dangerous, it can be flattering as you say, but for some reason, I prefer people not to love me too much. Love can be dangerous. I guess that's until I fall in love, then I won't be saying that!

Unfortunately for most guys, I can't be dominated. I can be a little submissive, to keep the peace, as we all do from time to time, and sometimes that can really get me down, I wish I was more assertive. But when it comes to men, there is no way they can change my individuality or stop me pursuing whatever career I want to pursue, or stop me hanging with a guy friend. But, I do know that I'd be quite weird if my boyfriend had a girl friend he hang with, unless I knew her quite well, then that'd be alright. It's a matter of trusting each other I suppose?

I'm not asking you to move a mountain. Simple complements would suffice, I'm not saying help him get out on top of the male hierarchy, but boost his confidence.

If you say some encouraging things to him about his masculinity, you'll see an improvement in his demeanor and he might be a little more comfortable about you talking to other guys.

men are just as self conscious as women but with different things.

Trust me, I know how self concious men are. I'm not particularly self concious about my looks, not as much as a few guys I know, who preen themselves are more than me! I like to look nice, but I dress in a way that isn't common around here. That's what I take pride in. Oh, and smelling nice too

I know what you mean though. If I ever loved a guy, I'd love complimenting him. But only if I meant it, so he doesn't think I'm doing it just to be nice (He won't believe me). I don't take compliments well myself, I generally think people are lying. But I'm slowly getting over that, because I get compliments for playing gigs and other guitar things, and while I don't like being crowded over by 'fans' (yes, I've had fans, my bands have had followers, weird!), I am learning to accept that I have a talent. I just lack an ego. I wouldn't want the guy to think I was a great fib!

I was, though, capable of hurting a woman in other ways, mentally. Purely through me being unable to control my emotions. I detest what I was. I also feel I paid the price for my sins.

I think, as humans, we all have the capability to seriously hurt people mentally. I've hurt people mentally too, in fact, everybody I know has done it, whether in the school yard, work, or family. Luckily, the things I did were forgiven fairly quick. I've also been hurt badly, as we all will or have been at some stage.

needed to feel needed. I didn't feel that the relationship was even. If your that way inclined and you feel that things are a bit one sided (I'm talking emotionally, and affection, that kind of stuff) then yeah, the green eyes start glowing and the smallest things start snowballing.

I agree with that, also. You have to need each other. Independence and strong will and stubborness in males and females can be extremely aggrivating. I'm not very independent, I hate being out in public alone, yet I like being alone (stupid). I'm stubborn, but I don't tend to show it and agree with people just to avoid a fight (Though in my head I'm saying what idiots they are). But, some guys like to try and tame that. Some tried to tame my individuality, that eccentric bit, but they failed. Not because I was aggressively stubborn about my ideals, but simply because I refused silently.

I must go, off to the music store to look at guitars, god knows I have 5 already, but oh well! Again, your help is wonderful, thankyou!